Photo : restoringdata.ca
I sucked at it. I don’t know if it was from the beginning or it just started when I became an independent individual. Anyhow, I became aware of it only after having it repeatedly pointed out: my reluctance to make decisions. At first I refused to accept that I couldn’t make decisions and then slowly started to defend my decision making capability. Then I vehemently reasoned it out as empathising with everyone’s point of view which just made decision making very very difficult.
For buying my clothes I would drag my husband along saying that he had better taste, all the while not realizing that I just couldn’t choose. I remember going to a shop to get couple of tops for myself and there was this salesgirl who recommended a red one. At first I outrightly refused saying it won’t suit me. She on the contrary said that in fact my skin tone was best suited for red. She insisted that I atleast give it a try. So I went to the change room, wore the red one, looked into the mirror and found myself looking quite good! I got that red one that day.
I slowly started to choose my own clothes. Sometimes it was difficult and sometimes, easy. An old friend of mine was visiting me after a very very long time and one of the things she pointed out to me was that I wasn’t as “well dressed” as before. My spontaneous reaction was to tell her that that was my mom and this was me. I later realized how true it was. When I was with my parents my mom always styled me. I never chose a thing for myself! I also realized that I was OK with being criticized for my poor taste in dressing.
It was hit and miss with my clothing choice from then on. Sometimes I got criticized for my poor choice of clothes and sometimes, praised. I started learning to make better and better choices as time passed with more and more practice.
That’s it! I got it! I understood why I wasn’t able to make decisions before. It was because I didn’t want to take responsibility for my poor choices. I was shit scared of making mistakes. I was afraid of getting my ego bruised by others criticism, or most of all my own.
Today I am much braver in putting myself out there in open, focussing on learning and developing skills by practice and making mistakes!